I am feeling constantly on edge, anxious and uncontrollable tears run down my cheeks. It is ok. This only makes me human. I am human enough to feel disappointed, shattered and hopeless. It is ok. As human limitations are unknown. Allah is the knower of tomorrow and if only I was shown the full picture, I might not feel hopeless!
To trust in Allah as the doer and undoer of my plans is critical to forge ahead. At times of difficulty, that trust is challenging to have; that too is ok. To deny yourself of fully immersing in your emotions only ever perpetuates it; so Alhamdullilah that I feel this rotten. Alhamdullilah that I am unable to sleep; Alhamdullilah that my heart is having a massage and my patience tested to its fullest! Alhamdullilah that I can try and fight to carry myself through to perform my daily fard prayers even if half-hearted and very heartbroken.
At least I have an avenue to vent my emotions; I can ask Allah why and paradoxically ask for relief. Because Allah has assured us that with every difficulty there is relief. Some flicker of hope which might wedge between giving up and trying again.
I planned to be somewhere today; I am not there and don’t hope ever being there unless Allah creates a way. I have also approached my GP for pharmacological help; I believe with that and my taqwa, I will find the strength to start again.
Allahu A’alam. Allah is the knower of all things and to Him be the Glory in all things good or bad. Bi ithni Allah. With the permission of Allah.